tales from the "it's life Jim, but not..." dept.

full of awesome. I’ve been in Iceland since Saturday, and there are so many impressions. where to start?

I think it’s a tie between driving over unsealed road 52 from Rykholt to Þingvellir, all gravel and steep awesomeness, driving though the glacially scowered black volcanic desert en route to Vik , or driving back over the plateau towards Reykjavik when the rain turned to snow due to the height and the whole moss covered lava landscape turned into everything being white, white road, white sky, white lava plains.

pictures to follow ofc.

Much of Iceland is, to me, bleak, forsaken and desolate in places. RVK seems to be the complete opposite of the entire rest of the country. You probably need a car to appreciate the country properly, and I am a bit sad that we lack the time (and the inclination) to really get around to the other side of the country and see what is there. Mostly the towns other than RVK seem functional in the extreme, with fuel stations, tool shops and community centers dotted about.

That’s all for now folks :)

Posted by TdC at 4:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

so my friend Yoni was over here in NL again to do some stuffs for her job and to check out some places where she might live, and I went down to Tilburg, booked myself into her hotel and we met up again for beers, foods and chats.

before that though, we had a little walk around, checking out a street where she might have an apartment option, though sadly it seemed to either be in a orange monstrosity that had a old-people’s home look about it, or a large rectangular modern grey bit of lego that would have been pretty stunning three years ago but now had a bit of a gloomy look to it, especially since it was somewhat off the main streets. had dinner in a great place of which naturally I have forgotten the name (I’ll have to look it up), which was full of awesome, both the wine and the desert (mmmm) deserving special mentions. afterwards we went out for some beers and Tilburg central, even though it’s not as picturesque as some Dutch towns, is still pretty nice, with plenty of cosy student orientated bars to hang out and enjoy a beer or three.

update: Yoni tells me she may have a better place sorted in a town close by. I’ve seen pics and it looks awesome I must say!
update2: bah, she’s not getting the really nice place it seems :/
update3: yay, she’s getting an even better place!! woohoo!!

Posted by TdC at 11:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

yay! according to the hospital there seems to be nothing physically wrong with my mother, so one worry laid to rest at least! yesterday she got the results back from her mri and brain wave scan, and the experts say she’s fine. Ofc I had to laugh at what some down-to-earth doctor had told her: tripping over things is fine, it’s what happens when you hit the ground that you have to be wary of! now she just has to get her dislocated finger working again, and she’ll really be back at it! I’ve advised her to slowly start working it in some hot water, making fists and the like, but I will have to watch out she actually does this exercise rather than just pretending to for the benefit of me.

as to her household gadgets, the laptop I got her seems to be working well enough, although her isp is a bit shit and she doesn’t want to get a new one because she’s old :p no really, she limits herself to sending emails and just doing some bank stuff every now and then, rather than more. I have gently introduced her to google and wikipedia, but still she just sits and looks at the screen rather than reading the letters it displays haha. speaking of letters, her new printer is amazing! I actually quite tempted to get the same one for myself! in typical HP fashion, it does want to install a lot of shit to go with the printer rather than just it’s driver which never fails to irk me *remembers the days when he had to install 300MB worth of software just to get his scanner running*

Posted by TdC at 11:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

omg omg omg! wow, I am going to the IcelandAirwaves music festival in Reykjavik! Flight is booked and everything! Awesome!!!

Posted by TdC at 1:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

ooh today I had some actual forest time on the Scandal. Zomg, have I beat myself up or what? I can’t feel my legs o0

highlights: sessioning some cool trails in the rain, seeing a deer (a deer! (ok and a rabbit too) but a deer! that slotted right in at a shared number 1 spot with the fox I saw recently)

after that I was home, ate, had a shower, decided my legs were fucked up and went to Bo’s birthday. as he lives like five flights of stairs up getting to his house was somewhat interesting heh. afterwards I went to Hotel Bosch and had a few beers with Maks, Jacq, Patrick, Joost, Erwin and ofc Bo. As it was raining I only briefly kept the smokers company before retiring inside and then home.

I’m just having a quick drink before bed, and tomorrow I hope I can walk haha :D

Tears drown in the wake of delight. ~Interpol

Posted by TdC at 3:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Woo on friday I was messing about doing a lot of nothing. I was chilling after doing some drawing on the computer and thought I’d have me a little sleep. well I’m not doing that again because I had kind of forgotten that I do not do little sleeps (and that people always call me just when I am dropping off into dreamland) so 5 hours later (o0) my mate Maks rang me awake with the command to go to Doesburg and visit our friend Gigagiel who is going to live there with his girlfriend. I don’t remember ever having been to Doesburg, which is kind of funny because it’s a nice picturesque little town really close to where I live. Kind of like a cross between Burgge and Haarlem, but then small heheh. Anyway, I jumped in my car and pootled over and joined them to have some HJ’s and plates of cold yummies. The bistro was beautifully situated and the weather was great, so we were outside having a drink and a laugh. The man who ran the place was very attentive to our needs, to the point where he had a big bucket of ice out for us to rest our beers in, and he also served us a killer chorizo. zomg. Only downside for me was that I was the designated driver, and so switched to alcohol free beer after two HJ’s but that kind of tasted like liquid roggebrood, and if you’ve ever had dutch roggebrood you’ll know it’s made for eating and not drinking :/
We took our leave of GG, and went back to Arnhem, and after parking the car decided to continue our gezellige evening at the Barron, because in the course of the evening my friend Easy had called me twice declaiming that he wanted to go out and that I was welcome to go with. So I’d called him and he was at Ron’s bar so we went there and much fun was had by all.

Saturday I did some more designing and then gathered up some courage and took myself, the laptop and the designs down to the shop I’ve mentioned briefly now and again. After some chatting I showed them the stuff I’d made and on the whole they thought it was awesome so I was pleased. Ofc I am still mostly unsure how serious I should be with all the making of tshirt prints and things and there is still FreddysHouse who is waiting for more stuff (friday! I hope! haha!), so when Sunday came around and I was at my friends Robert and Stella and their daughter’s combined birthday party I took the opportunity to talk to Robert about stuff because he’s following an HBO 4 year course on design and things and he was hugely enthusiastic and right away started to push me to be serious about things and also about branding myself and that making things for other people was great except my name had to be on the print somewhere otherwise it was all for nothing.

Aaand then I went to the Move where Bo was being a birthday boy with Maks and Mathew and Michel and the two girls and we all went to Manhattan and danced the night away to the tunes of Soultrain, which was absolutely awesome. Course poor Bo had not been allowed in, but after about a minutes worth of dancing with the girls I’d forgotten all about him haha :p We were all acting so silly that we got our pictures taken by the photographer there, which Maks was pleased to tell me had ended up on the internet, but who cares, I was having a great time and I look like a complete idiot in the pics so score on both counts :)

Posted by TdC at 5:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My mother, bless her, has taken a tumble. She managed to trip over her own feet and fall, and in doing so has hurt her ribs and dislocated (aaaah) a finger. Her being her, she then got in her car and drove to the nearest hospital where she got her finger set (aaaah2), taped, and went about her day. Then she called me, to tell me she wasn’t going with me to the art market as we had planned, because she had had a fall and then she told me that she hadn’t told me that she’d fallen the week before as well, for no aparant reason. Then I got very angry and demanded she go to see her doctor, which she feebly tried to claim wasn’t nessecary perfectly fine etc etc, but I was absolutely adamant she get herself checked and kept it up until she agreed to go.

So I waited while consumed with worry that something was going to be amiss, and I had the supremely selfish thought that I didn’t want anything to be wrong with my mother because I didn’t think I could handle another bad thing happening to me this year. And that’s when I started to feel really bad about what kind of a heel I can be at times and how much of an impact the other thing has had on me, as well as the fact that I was scared to death something would happen to my mum.

She’s been to her doctor in the meanwhile, and he couldn’t see anything obvious, blood pressure etc, and my mum, instead of being herself and going home again, actually asked for a full set of tests to be done on her so she’d know what was up. So while I wait for that to come through so I can hear if there actually is anything wrong with my old mother I am slightly less worried (but am entertaining the thought that if it is not something obvious it may well be something really bad :( but ofc she may well have just tripped and it could all be a coincidence) but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Posted by TdC at 10:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

yes yes guys and dolls, I have been to the agrerianesque festival/party/race/beerdrinkery that is the Zwarte Cross!
I saw many things, amongst others an open class moped/motorcycle race (of which I gathered the goal was to break your ride hehe), Paris-Dakar class racing trucks err…racing (awesome btw, given I have driven a truck exactly once in my life and know how powerful they are and how fast they can be even when not race tuned o0) and several bands, of which I especially remember Los Lobos, and Exodus woo old skool metal \m/ for various reasons. The former for being awesome guitar players, a really funny show and an extremely hot tent they played in, and the later for bringing back memories, being really close to (but not in -haha wuss hehe) the pit and for the fact that every single american metal band just seems to have to bring up Osama Bin Laden at some point.

Anyway, the event was pretty amazing, given I’ve never been there before, but I don’t think I will be going again. The overall ambience was great, but I’ve decided I don’t like those kinds of dutchmen when in large numbers. Groups of burly men grabbing each other’s crotches while chanting BIER EN TIETEN (beer and titties) don’t really do it for me I’m afraid. Best bit in the train on the way back home: some fellows started talking to us, and they explained that they were a father, two sons and two friends. They were all pretty burly and covered in mud. The number one son explained that once through the gate, his dad had gone bezerk and had jumped in the nearest mud pool (of which there were plenty btw) and they had all dogpiled on top of him to get things going. It was really funny to hear the banter between them, and for about two seconds I wished I had a dad like that.

Once back we went to the Moortgat for an evaluation beer, and while I started to revive (was really dead on the train) my friends started to fade badly. Bo and some girl called Rosa who I know by face but had never met were there and I got a couple of beers in before everyone left and I walked towards my house…..until I saw Iwan at the Move and said hello, and he pulled me inside in best spanish bar fluffer style and pushed me over towards a corner where Maks and Michel and a friend of Maks’ were standing so smelly muddy me went over and had a couple more beers and a few laughs, hooked up with Mischa, Iwan’s brother and his neice before finally crashing and going home. Good thing the Move is about a minute from my place heh.

Posted by TdC at 10:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

After my night ride on thursday things only seem to have been going better and better! Friday was a pretty decent day; did some fun stuff in Amsterdam, and friday evening I really really really tried to get some junkfood to consume while being slugged out in front of (or behind, depending what language you speak) the playstation, but I failed miserably because you just can’t get junkfood that is not donor or shoarma on friday after 9 o’clock. My first shot was Thai, but I arrived just in time to see the guy leave at 5 past, then Surinam, ditto, at 10 past, then Chinese, but they aren’t even open on friday (wtf? is that new?) so after such failure I just had to go to the supermarket and get normal food. Which is good I suppose.

While making dinner my mate Maks called and demanded I go to Hotel Bosch and have a few beers with him and Dennis, and that was ofc excellent, so I did and they ribbed me about a certain thing until I begged for mercy, and then told me I was going with them to the second day of De Affaire on Sunday, which was also excellent though I was a bit scared for the weather.

Saturday I slept in, then went and had a haircut. Much needed tbh, I looked like a scruffy vagrant :/ Now ofc I look like a scruffy vagrant with a haircut, but there you go. Anyway, after that I went to a shop that Max and Dennis and I had been talking about in Hotel Bosch, some new “lifestyle” blah thing which was supposed to be cool, as I’d been moaning about wanting to get some new shoes. Anyway I wasn’t really sure where it was but I biked around until I spotted some fluorescent coloured shoes in a window out of the corner of my eye, stopped and had a look. It was indeed the shop, and there being nobody else there except the owners and me, we had a chat, and the guy showed me around. I thought the concept was pretty cool: you can get lots of things there, from shoes to clothes to having a tattoo done in the parlor below the shop, to statues and otehr art forms. The people have had half the shop spray painted by local talent, and the guy casually mentioned (hint hint hehe) that he was always looking out for more people and stuffs. So I mentioned I knew some photographers, and then I casually mentioned that I was trying my hand at tshirt designs, and asked if I could come in and show them some stuff, and they were really enthusiastic, both about having my friends show off their stuff at the shop, but also about my showing off some designs so I told them I’d be back at some point later on in the week. And I bought a pair of shoes. So rawk. Then I went off and had a couple of beers with Bo, and so met a lady who used to be the partner of Wim Gijsen, a dutch writer who I actually know, having read some of his work. Awesome! Anyway the lady was really nice, and Bo and I chatted with her till it was time to go home, and I finally managed to get my chinese fix filled from my fave one on the Steenstraat. Cool.

Sunday was Affaire day so I was up pretty early to have brekky and be on time for the 13:00 train meet. After walking to the Valkhof park from the station we faffed about watching a full on classical orchestra playing while we had a coffee and tried to burn the clouds away by force of will. Which worked. The sun came out, the ladies took their sweaters off, we got some beer on and started to soak up the good vibes. Awesome. There was sun, music, beer and friends (in random order), and I had a really good time hanging out with my mates. Dennis was shooting as many bands as he could, and Max and I chilled out, hung back and enjoyed the sunshine. There was a large amount of singer/songwriters doing their thing, meaning there was a large amount of young ladies about, as they seem to complement each other, and while your average singer-songwriter usually tends to make me want to take their guitars away and beat them to a pulp with them, some were quite good, especially Leine and Blaudzun. Highlights of the day were imo the blonde girl in the tight gray sweater, the band WHY?, and the awesome PennyBlackRemedy which Maks and I saw slightly by accident when we were thinking about going home, and which turned out to be superb, and I went home feeling great and holding a Blaudzun and WHY? cd to show how much of a fan I’d become.

Posted by TdC at 4:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sort of greyish milky overcast, with a nasty cold drizzle. How does that translate to a feeling? Today I went the whole gamut from laughing to sad to blinding anger in the space of about two minutes thanks to my ex sending me an email. In the past we’ve proved time and again that we really shouldn’t communicate electronically, because the way she writes things and the way I read things (and vice versa) just do not go together. I suppose that is true for everyone and their exes though, so who am I to say we’re the worst?

Anyway, I read her email, and then I read it again, and then I got mad. Now, I don’t really do getting mad, and have only really ever been really mad a few times in my life. Sadly, the last three times I’ve been mad are all this year, and also most sadly caused by my ex. It’s a very strange sensation: my mouth dries out, my hands start to shake, my mind goes completely blank, and I feel like I am going to pass out. I’m deathly afraid of being like that, because I can remember from when I was a young teenager I had far less control and bad things could happen to me in that state of mind, but as an adult I can sit and wait for my brain to engage again.

So, I sat and typed a very nasty email to my ex (ooh tough guy eh?), then deleted it and typed a new one. And by then sadness had replaced any anger I felt, and I just felt sad for my ex and tried not to break my brain by trying to think up reasons for things or what she meant or tried or felt or why but that didn’t stop me from sending my email, the gist of which was, once again, to leave me alone. I don’t think she’ll understand, just like I don’t think I would understand if things were reversed but oh, well, there you go. So I sat there, once again feeling as sad as I felt a few months ago, a pain in my chest like my heart had just stopped and I was about to die.

But I didn’t die.

For a while I sat there staring at her photograph
For a while I cried and tried not to make a scene
There was a time when we were young
I used to make her laugh
But life is long, my love has gone away from me ~Ray LaMontange

And I assess the essence of the mess
The perfect hourglass of my loneliness, yes
And I don’t care to count my chances
I just want the girl in the blue dress
To keep on dancing ~ Mike Doughty

Posted by TdC at 11:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

eek had 15 hours of unexpected work on saturday, and more on sunday, with about 7 hours sleep in between. been at it for 6,5 hours now o0

I can remember going to Hotel Bosch on friday with Max and Dennis to go see Tim Vanhamel, which was pretty awesome, and my friend Max giving me a car radio for my babe magnet, which was even more awesome, but apart from that, I can only remember working :(

there were some plans, get a haircut, go bowling with Jeff, Anita, Isabelle, Martijn, André, Easy and Sophie, drink some beers with Boudewijn, but sadly that’s all disappeared and there is only big company.

I’ll have to take some days off next week :/

Posted by TdC at 3:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Still somewhat surprised to have had my ex girlfriend at my door on Saturday morning. Surprised at how shocked I was and how bad I instantly felt. Weird how that works; why can she not leave me to mourn the loss of our friendship in peace? I do not care that she claims to miss me, in fact my more harsh half is inclined to either write her nightly visit off as drunk lies, or to be glad in the fact that she seems to feel some of the emotional pain I’ve felt every day since she fucked up our relationship and I left. Or both. I wonder what she thinks and if she realizes that I just look at her with a mixture of sadness and pity. Amazing how love and friendship and sex and laughter and every other emotion has been boiled off in a wash of hatred until there was nothing left, not even the hate that began it. I don’t really care, there’s just this vague sadness where my friend used to live in my heart. I miss my friend. She was funny and beautiful and smart and I loved her but now she’s just some stranger whom I pity. Oh well. As long as she doesn’t fucking come calling in the middle of the night again things will be just peachy. You read that ex-girlfriend? Stay the fuck away from me.

Saturday I went for a little bikeride and had yummy dinner at my mums place, then I went home and met up with my friend Max in the park where he was working and trying to entertain Sigrid at the same time so I laughed at them and then S and I watched the circus theatre kids do a try-out for a new show they were putting together which was amazing and made me want to be 15 again and join a circus school so I could do the stuff they did. And the park was dark, but they’d put out lots of little lights along the paths which sparkled and were pretty and so I tried to pretend I was the only person there, except my friend Easy texted me that he was upset and ofc having no idea what he was on about it took me about 5 minutes to realize that Holland had lost the footy match against Russia. I heard the Russians were pretty good though, which is nice, because it seems better to lose against some really good fellows than against some team who sucks and just happened to be lucky.

Anyway I told Easy to bring his girlfriend to Hotel Bosch where Max and I were going to meet up and went there while Max took Sigrid home. There I met up with Derek, who actually spoke to me first before I recognized him which was very pleasant. He made a point of asking me how I was and we had a nice talk before Easy and his gf and Max showed up and then Joost also turned up and there was lots of laughter and beer, though Easy+gf were both already quite drunk with having watched the football in the town and my throat started to kill me after a while. Some serious bacteria action going on in there; I just wish the cold would break through and then I could get better again. It’s always so poo when you know you have a cold but it just kind of hangs back and doesn’t develop, meaning I have horrible tasting bacteria having mass orgies in the back of my throat and a runny nose but otherwise feel absolutely fine. Also when Will was still here (Will - teh crazy, has done a 100+ mile bikerace this weekend o0) we ended up at a cyber-goth party at Bosch and that was quite amazing and I kind-of agreed with Sophie to go with her and her sister to another party as long as she would make my outfit. Which seems kind of a good deal haha :)

Sunday was quite a slow day. I’d meant to get some house cleaning in, but I’ll have to do that tomorrow, monday being the last day of my holidays. Took it very easy today, had quite the hangover and finally finally it seemed my cold was going to break through (ofc it didn’t in the end) so I lazed about and spoke to some people on FreddysHouse. Feeling a bit naff, I declined my friend Maks when he called to ask me out to the park and later for a meal, and just lay about on the couch with some music and a paracetamol to keep me company. I should put the rest of the stuff from my Bro’s wedding up, and a bit of a writeup of the holiday fun I had with Will. I’ll see about that tomorrow.

Posted by TdC at 2:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I’m “back” from holiday, it’s stupid AM in the morning, and I just had an upset ex girlfriend at my door. Not the best way to start a weekend. Damn, talk about timing. I was almost feeling sane, after weeks of fun and booze and friendship. Now, now, now, I just hurt all over again.
I resist the massive urge to reply to her messages, I resist the urge to rise to the bait and answer her truthfully her question if I hate her. My god, I’m shaking so hard with all this resisting that I am resigned to not sleeping and just sitting here drinking and listening to music until it is light again. Just like I have done for three months in a row in between being sick from it. I resist it all. I refuse to believe there is something in her words and deeds, so I offer her and mysrlf a way out so therewill be not speaking and I tellhert o go home nad a I tell her that I knowsh ehas been out to drink and Ijust keep telling her to go home until she goes. and now my mind is fuckedagina nd I know and Ican hardly see the screen.

if she had played it differently she could have been in my house talking to me, instead again hiding behind her walls. nowthere’s just me,\pain and a glass of whisky. I am glad she is not here. I have nothing to say to her. I look at people who have forgiven their past relationships some horrible horrible things. I speak to them and wonder how they do it. Right now, I am not one of them. I canot dothis thing./

Standing at the punch table swallowing punch
can’t pay attention to the sound of anyone
a little more stupid, a little more scared
every minute more unprepared

You know I dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years before I saw you
You know I dreamed about you
I missed you for
for twenty-nine years The National ~ Slow Show

Posted by TdC at 3:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Woo, well I am in the UK for my brother’s wedding (saturday), and it’s really great to be here. I’m meeting all kinds of people, seeing my brother ofc, his soon-to-be wife, my niece (who I haven’t seen in 25 years!), her kids etc. Still in the run up to the main event though, and while some of us are nervous, at least I am not haha :p

Got the old brozor a bottle of 25yo Highland Park as a pre nuptial wee brother-to-brother gift. It’s quite nice, in a gob smacking, goolie punching, in your face now! this! is! wiskey! kind of way. We had to test it last night when I got in you see, as well, you know, it is 25 years old, so we had to make sure it was still allright :-D

Getting here was horrible though: I left well on time ofc, but then my train did some emergency stops, but even then I was not worried: as long as it didn’t actually hit something I would be fine. Until it stopped and refused to go any further. And there I sat.
After a good long while it did eventually pull into a station, and an awfully optimistic conductor told me that the problem would be fixed in no time. So I was pleased, and waited for the continuation of my journey. Which ofc didn’t happen, so I cought another train, but by then I had waisted about an hour fucking around waiting. And ofc this upset the schedule of connecting trains, so I had to wait in Utrecht for half an hour as well, and by now you can guess where I am going with this: I was in Schiphol 7 minutes after the Check In desk closed, so no plane for me. Bugger.

Anyway, I had texted my brother that I was going to be late, and he was cool with it (he was in a bit of a bind himself, because the numpty had accidentally thrown away his airplane tickets, which was hella bad as he’s going on a round-the-world trip after he gets married ooh err!) and I could rebook to the very next sleasyjet flight because it wasn’t already fully booked so all I had to do was hang about in Schiphol for three hours, which I did, getting something to eat and trying desparately to not buy the Tag Heuer watch that looked so sparkelly and pretty.

So after a while it got close to boarding time, and I went to the gate to discover that the boarding had been delayed by half an hour. Err, ok fine. I texted my bro again as he was going to pick me up from Luton and hung about. And then the boarding got delayed another half hour. And then another 15 minutes, and I was starting to wonder if it was really a good idea to still fly to the UK in the face of so much adversity…but we were finally allowed on the plane and the trip to Luton was completely uneventful apart from teh pilot having a little laugh by announcing half way through that they had been late because there had been a technical problem that had taken some time to fix - something you do not want to hear when you’re 10km over the North Sea!

wedding countdown: 2 days to go!

Posted by TdC at 6:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Yay! Well, some pleasing things have happened to me. I realize I’ve not blogged for over a week, though I suppose you could say I’m living rather than writing life. Or at least doing things outside the house.

The new bike is in! The local courier who’d been fucking around with my parcels finally came through, after they’d made me angry enough to actually send them a letter of complaint. Not really hard though, I’m an angry enough bloke as it is currently, but they really managed to get my blood boiling (see other blog posts). Anyway, that’s all in the past now: the bike is here and that’s what counts. It needs tweaking though, for one thing I’ve been overenthusiastic in my choice of stem length. The 100mm one is really too long, though I chose it because I have the small size frame and I was scared it would be too small. Nothing of the kind, it is a perfect size frame for me at 5’8”, so once the shorter stem is here, which should be mmm friday I think, it will be all right. It’s making all kinds of new bike noises though, as all the kit on it gets used for the first time. There’s some strange scraping going on from the bottom bracket which I’m not pleased with, and there is the general being amazed at rim brakes and how long it takes them to break (or brake haha) in. I’ll see if i can take some pictures of it soonish.

I’ve already given it a shakedown ride on sunday, where I biked to Apeldoorn, some 60km. It held together and I didn’t die so all seems well enough. Roll on the shorter stem and I’ll be well pleased! 80mm should be enough.

I went to Luxor Theater on thursday last thanks to my friend Dennis. It was a thing for the 10 year anniversary of 3voor12, there were 4 bands, there was beer, I was on the guest list, all was good. I hadn’t been in Luxor since it was closed in 1997, and I certainly had some good memories there. They’ve done quite a lot of work cleaning the place up and I was very pleased to see the result. The sound in the main area was a bit poop at times, but I suppose that’s mostly due to nerves and people getting used to the kit that was installed rather than actual acoustics. It was great to be there again, and I was especially impressed with the last band, De Staat. Not bad. Though there was a lot of beer in me by that time. Even so, it was music that appealed to me. Making faces-rocking out music. Very nice.

Ok, now I have to go work again. Maybe more later. Bye kiddies.

Posted by TdC at 7:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hmm in reverse order, the bloody courier GLS has fucked up again: I bought a CX bike from PlanetX, and they sent it to me really quickly, but the idiot deliveryman at GLS failed to put a note through my letterbox, and now the bike has been sitting in a GLS depot somewhere while I waited for it to arrive! Idiots! This is the second time they’ve done this to me, ie no note, making me wait, etc. And today being a holiday in Holland I can’t call them ofc, which also sucks :/
My energy supplier is also messing up bigtime. It seems they’re willing to sell me electricity, but now they deny the ability to sell me gas, which means that either they’ve screwed up (again), or they really can’t, in which case I must wonder where the gas is coming from :/ Anyway, they now won’t let me log in to the online thing, because they deny me taking services from them. Well, I’ll see what happens. I’m about to go biking though, so I expect it will do me some good. I’m kinda hoping for a beer later on, but I’m not sure if the cafes will be open because everything seems closed.

Yesterday I was mostly trying to recover from the furious biking on saturday, and I spent the afternoon and evening at my friend Robert’s place helping him to fiddle with a mountain bike he was trying to salvage, then dinner and nice long chats with him and his wife, the cat lady. Then I went to my mum’s, as it was mother’s day so I sponged coffee off her and we had nice conversation, until I went home, played some X3 and crashed in bed.

Saturday I went to Brussels with my friend Easy Erwin, because we were going to be all nerdy and stuff by going to a Star Wars exposition. Very cool, some original props from the old movies, new movies, concept art (brilliant!). So we drove there, quite fun, felt like a little road trip kind of thing, and we were laughing and joking and the drive there was fine, weather great ofc. Expo was pretty big too, quite busy as well. There were actually girls there! By themselves! Amazing! Though most of them had their “I’m doing this for my boyfriend but I’ll make him pay later” faces on, some actually seemed to be enjoying themselves. Average public was pale long haired men wearing nu-metal or nu-goth band tshirts though hehe.
We decided to not go into Brussels proper and just drive back, as the idea was to go lie in the park with some wine. That changed to go out for beer later, so I went biking as I’d started to feel a little depressed again and needed to get rid of the cloud. So biking it was, and I hammered myself into a pulp by doing 55km in under 2 hours: 27.6km/h average. Quite fast on a mountainbike, in the woods. I somewhat frightened myself, as at one point I was rocketing down a forest trail at about 45km/h, but I have slicks on the bike as it’s supposed to stay on the road, but I didn’t care and just wanted to faster and faster and faster. Anyway I made it home and was completely wrecked mentally and physically, so I had a shower and went to bed. No going out tonight, oh no. It was nice to feed all the anger and hurt into the bike. At least that way I can be relaxed again once it’s gone. Just empty, no bad things, nothing.

Hmm my memory is failing, but I had another bbq night with Jacqueline, Patrick, Maks and his friend (but I forget her name oh dear oh dear) and it was really nice. Lots of music, beer and burnt food thanks to darling Maks, who forgets to turn things over fast enough hehe.

All in all a pretty decent couple of days, though I want my bike and I want time to go really fasssst because I still feel like shit on a daily basis thank you very much.

Posted by TdC at 1:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I’ve received a letter from Continuon threatening to cut me off the power grid as they’ve not heard from my power provider that I have an account. Ergo Nuon. Meaning that all the things I did when I first moved into my house hadn’t been processed by them regardless of the fact that I have all the papers and things.

So calling Continuon, a helpful man told me to call Nuon with the serial numbers of the meters in the house and they’ll sort it. And yes, in a big plus, the girl I had on the line confirmed I had not been put in the system, was surprised I had received the letters, laughed at my jokes and sorted everything while I waited on the phone. 10 minutes later all was well. Extra plusses for her super sweet phone voice. Mmmm :)

Another plus: today I got a call from the company I bought my lovely couch from. The thing is completed, and they want to get it to me. Monday 19th, I will be in possession of a big lump of italian goodness :D

Posted by TdC at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Strange how I am writing the past. I seem to remember not too long ago I would usually be writing the future -I am going to do this and that- whereas now I am writing about things I have done.

I’ve just started work again after a week off. A much needed week off I must add, even though I’ve been ill twice and spend a cumulative two and a half weeks at home in bed :/ Anyway, I did work a saturday and monday evening so I made about 30hrs overtime, all nicely put into the holidays+buy-nice-things fund not bad for a week where I was actually off free heh.

I’d invited a bunch of friends over for Queensday with the promise of a barbecue on my roof terrace if the weather was nice enough, though I was slightly worried that it would rain as the weather people were displaying a distinct lack of enthusiasm in the long term plans: it was supposed to rain and maybe even some scattered thunderstorms, but I decided to have a party regardless of what the weathergods had in store for me, so being me, I was out buying a bbq and beer and meats after inviting people like, 2 days in advance hehe. Lots of stress and running about spending money, but I now own a Weber barby, and it works a charm.

So after all the running about and before the bbq party I went to Utrecht to go out with my friends Anita and Jeff, and I took Easy and his gf with me in the car. I was late ofc, so we left about the time we were supposed to arrive, but there was lots of laughing in the car and once in A&J’s house we had a drink and then all left to go to EKKO and the party there. A lack of drunk queensnight idiots, (almost) nobody wearing orange and really really really great music had us all in good moods and after a few beers we were all dancing to the smashing music. Even me! :-) The next day after we’d all woken up again we had lunch and then all five of us piled into my little car and we drove to Arnhem and to start up my bbq party! As people began to arrive, Easy E and I made the fire (raah! I made fire!!1 etc) and once that was going we had a few more drinks and conversation with all the people there. And there were quite a few, and even two dogs! Yes, I let dogs in my house, what is the world coming to. They were well behaved though, so I didn’t have to use my patented “setting dogs on fire is ok” idea. People started leaving later in the evening, and my last guests left at about 3am. Quite happy about the whole thing: there was about 15 people there, there was food and laughter and the total cost was about 10e per person not counting my new barby, as that’s mine hehe.

The rest of the week was spent recovering, and on friday I biked to my mother’s house to spend some time with her and have dinner. She was glad to see me and glad to put me to work setting up her new answermachine hehe, as most older people go, she’s hopeless at any form of technology made after 1950 so I gladly sort all of that, and she made dinner and talked to me and I went home at about 21:00 only to detour to my mate Max’s place where we had some whiskey and I totally owned him at a rally game on his PS/2 heheh.

Saturday I didn’t do much of anything except the washing and then I went biking, some 30odd km, but I didn’t really have a particular goal, so ofc after about 20km I started to fade badly and just couldn’t make my legs go round in any way shape or form so I biked up the Schelmseweg and stopped at the Shell there to get some chocolate and a sultana and then briefly stopped at Robert’s house to see if they were all ok and then home and I really tried to go to bed early but I watched Constantine on tv and then some internet and it was 04:30 before I hit the hay. My sleep cycles are shot all to heck heh. Sunday I spent in a vague blur between my bed, my roof terrace in the sun, and the park with Easy E, his gf and Max. A bottle or two of rosé and some munchies rounded it all off and at about 19:00 I went home to get some biking in. In a fit of masochism I decided to bike to the Posbank to destroy myself on the climbs, and there were climbs of the drop back to very low gears and crawl up the hill variety though ofc I can’t climb for shit (even though I didn’t die climbing this time) and on the way back down again I got up to a blistering 57km/h which lasted quite some time. Don’t think I’ve ever gone that fast for so long. It was very fast tbh, and I felt very good and alive doing it. Ofc in a hidden bend in the bike path I had to brake pretty damn hard to not shoot off the path and into the scrub, and there must have been some sand on the path or something because first my rear wheel and then front wheel skidded and I have a pants-filling moment of am I about to leave lots of skin on the road here or will I just make it? Anyway I let go of the brakes and made it home again to the sound of another 25 successful km’s being eaten by my legs and bike.

Also the Veluwe landscape is amazing, and I saw some of the horses they let roam free there, and once back on the woodland path I heard a strange noise and saw two wild boars rooting about between the trees. Damn those things are big o0

Posted by TdC at 1:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yesterday I had a smashing evening. Actually this started thursday evening: I got home from work, I ate some yummy food, I didn’t have to go on a date because she had a headache, so I lazed about, did some laundry and was pleased with myself. Friday? more of the same, and friday evening there was FreddyFM, and talking to people on IRC, along with making a fun picture contest on the forum, which I am going to win. Had a few drinks, all was well with the world. Smashing.

Then I went to bed, because I had to work today. Then suddenly my mind clicked into overdrive and I had to think about my ex for a while. And I couldn’t help myself and just lay in bed alternating between intense anger and intense sadness and thus couldn’t get to sleep any more. So I just lay there listening to the night sounds from the street and just seemed to swap between being extremely mad and very sad and eventually ended up feeling miserable, because neither mad or sad agrees with me very much.

So after a couple of hours of not sleeping and being miserable I just couldn’t take it any more and got up, had a coffee and made breakfast. After that I went to work, and spent the day ignoring everyone around me and generally trying to not fall asleep. And my eyes were so tired and dry that my contacts felt like shit. Just like I did.

Now I’m home though, and I’m going to eat beautiful food and then sleep. If you don’t mind.

Posted by TdC at 9:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well, where to begin? Hmm, so after a perfectly rocking weekend that started on thursday the 10th (yes the 10th, ie more than a week ago) I got up that monday, and I didn’t really feel very well. Wondering what was wrong with me, I just went through the day, and ended up having a beer with my friend Max before going home for bed and work the next day. I got up tuesday feeling like I’d been hit by a rather large truck, with my whole body aching and my classic “I’m just about to get a bad cold” grumpiness.

Which was somewhat strange because I’d only just recovered from a nasty cold and even virus sensitive me doesn’t normally get it twice in a row. So I went to work. And came home early feeling very broken, went to bed and got a fever. I can tell when I have a fever, because my dreams (always pretty weird) suddenly turn up the strangeness to maximum. Ofc currently meaning that I dreamt about my ex girlfriend quite a few times.

Most notable dream was this one: I realized I was dreaming (not really, it was part of the dream) and looked around. I was lying on a bed, fully clothed. My ex girlfriend, also fully clothed, was asleep beside me and also somehow I knew I was in Australia. I got off the bed and walked over to a cabinet where I saw a little box. I opened the box and inside I found some pieces of crystal. The pieces fit together like a puzzle, and from them I could make a little teddybear, shaped a bit like Ziekenhuisbeertje, the bear she gave me when I was in hospital with my broken leg. I realized that this crystal bear was my heart, and it was broken, and while I had put it back together again I could still see that it had been broken, like you can, with things like that and if I’d touch it wrong it would just fall apart.

As you can imagine these profound images woke me up, and I felt very sick and overwrought, so I got up to take some paracetamol or ibuprofen or something, and while still shaken by the dream and some of that fever and still half asleep I thought that she might really have found the pieces of my heart after she broke it and maybe she had really put them in a box in the house somewhere, but I hoped she’d just thrown them away, like she callously threw other things away with such ease, because I didn’t want her to have something as precious as to me as that.

The day after I had the dream I felt so sick and low that I stayed in bed for most of the day, and after forcing myself up I took a shower to try and get rid of the chills I was having so the hot tap on and I soaked myself in the lovely hot water till I stopped shivering, which took over an hour of doing. In fact, I got tired and dizzy from not feeling well and lack of food so I just sat down and let the hot water fall on me. Even after that I felt so shit from being sick and not eating anything, not to mention my ongoing emotional vacuum that I almost called my mother to come save me but instead took two paracetamol and two ibuprofens and went to bed under a pile of blankets to try to stay warm.

After three shit days I felt a little better and a little stronger so I did something geeky and reinstalled my computer to allow Vista to run off a mirror instead of just the single disk. This because I was scared to death that one of my harddisks would break for whatever reason and I’d lose all my image work and other pictures, music, etc. Anyway everything went swimmingly and 20 backup dvd’s later I had a new install and now a disk can break and the mirror will save me. But I was still ill at this point and had to sleep alot or the coughing and snot explosions of sneezing would kill me (at least, that’s what it felt like).

Ooh I realize I completely forgot to mention that I had been to De nacht van het Kippenvel or Goosebump Night at Tivoli De Helling in Utrecht on saturday (see last.fm even here) with my friends Dennis and Max. Dennis was photographing ofc, and you can check out some of his work on the last.fm even page or on his own. It was quite nice, but young lady singer songwriters don’t really do it for me right now, even though (especially) Alela Diane was certainly very nice to look at and had a goodly number of mostly very beautiful songs to play. The place was pretty packed also, but I discovered that young ladies with henna-red hair elbowing their way through me to then stand directly in front of me and start talking to each other about how much they’re enjoying themselves makes me see red and want to knock people’s skulls together. Maybe it was the henna.

Ah yeah, the snot explosions were slowly going away, and thank god the fever was gone, so I was feeling more or less like a human again. About this time work started calling me because things were going pear shaped with a certain project, so I helped out as best I could on the phone between coughing, but they seemed to be getting nowhere, so on friday they made me promise that I’d work on sunday, which I said yes to (idiot) and actually did (fool) so I sat in the office for nearly 12 hours on sunday while full of pills, but luckily I could reproduce the problem and it can be fixed, which is good, but after this exercise of work-while-ill, albeit voluntary I was in serious need of lots of comfort so I stopped by the chinese place in the steenstraat on the way home and got lots of yummy, once home ate most of it, and went to bed.

Today I ate the rest, but before that I spent a couple of hours cleaning my house, which was pretty damn, uh, covered in crusts after me being sick in it for a week, so I put a lot of effort in to clearing away unnecessary crap, taking the dry washing off the rack, vacuum cleaning, then the dishes, the shower/loo, then mopping all available floor areas. Had the radio on all day so I could judge how long I did chores for in a single run of continuous effort, and at about 17:00 I was done and dragged the FatBoy outside so I could sit in the sun and have a coffee. Which was great. And then I walked about roof terrace of my “penthouse” and let it sink into me that this was all mine, and that I’d just cleaned it, and there was sun and warmth and coffee and music and I felt really good. So I bought a bike :-)

As I inhale the urge to kill all my emotions - K’s Choice

Posted by TdC at 2:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

At some point during my previous relationship, I picked up the habit of making noises. Not big noises, just little clicks and clacks and beeps. Purrs and other strange nonsensical mutterings. Silly songs that I’d make up on the spot, and other things like that. I suppose it was some kind of communication form with my gf. It made me feel warm that I could vocalize a feeling to her, and sometimes she would purr or click or make other little noises back at me, and ofc that would make me feel good. I felt good.

Strangely it’s these noises that I make which are bugging me now, because I’m still making them and I am worried because I don’t know if they are my noises or not. I suppose they’re mine. I make them, so they’re mine. The problem being that I used to make them for her, and I now wonder if they’ve become useless, because nobody is going to answer, and I don’t want to make them for anybody else, and I certainly don’t want to make them by myself.

Posted by TdC at 1:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Bla nótt yfir himininn
Bla nótt yfir mér
Horf-inn ut um gluggann
Minn með hendur
Faldar undir kinn
Hugsum daginn minn
Í dag og i gær

Bla nattfötin klæða mig i
Beint upp i rum
Breiði mjuku sængina
Loka augunum
Ég fel hausinn undir sæng

Starir a mig litill alfur
Hleypur að mér en hreyfist ekki
Ur stað - sjalfur
Staralfur

Opna augun
Stirurnar ur
Teygi mig og tel
Kominn aftur og alltalltilæ
Samt vantar eitthvað
(Eins og alla veggina)
—————————————————————————————————

Blue Night Over The Sky
Blue Night Over Me
Disappeared Out Of The Window
Me With Hands
Hidden Under My Cheek
I Think About My Day
Today And Yesterday

I Put On My Blue Nighties
Go Straight To Bed
I Pull The Soft Covers Over
Close My Eyes
I Hide My Head Under The Covers

A Little Elf Stares At Me
Runs Towards Me But Doesn’t Move
From Place - Himself
A Staring Elf

I Open My Eyes
Take The Crusts Out
Stretch Myself And Check (If I Haven’t)
Returned Again And Everything Is Okay
Still There Is Something Missing
Like All The Walls

Posted by TdC at 4:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I’m working too much again, I guess. My weeks are 10 days long, my weekends one day, or none at all. Today I am tired, and so I can not take much I guess. Today I miss her more than usual. My former girlfriend is everywhere. And nowhere. I haven’t seen or heard from her (good), but she is still everywhere. She is in a long blonde hair I found in my clothes yesterday, she is there when good meaning people ask me how I am, and I feel her when other good willing people ask me if my life is back on track yet. She is there when I don’t know what to get in the supermarket, because my food tastes like ashes anyway. She is there when I go to bed at night, because I can hear her when my eyes close, only I can not feel her because the bed is cold, and there is nobody there but me. She is in my dreams, because I have horrible horrible dreams about leaving the house like I did that monday. She is even in my mothers house now, until my mother throws away the card she sent. She is everywhere, she is nowhere.

So there are times that I wonder if she really knows why I want her gone. If she understood me when I told her to never contact me again, or knows the reasons of my anger to her. I wonder if she cares. I wonder if she’s already fucked some guy to try to feel better. I wonder if it worked. I think so many thoughts that I am so tired at night but I sometimes can’t sleep from the nightmares I have that she is in, and it all just gets me so tired and depressed that I am glad I have a mountain bike because I find that biking can make the thoughts stop and there is just the wind in my face and the feeling that if I can go fast enough I may outrun the little cloud of despair that has been following me for the past two months and it won’t be able to find me again. But I haven’t been fast enough yet.

So I have been biking. I was going to today as well because the weather was nice, but work kept me a little longer than planned. I went on friday too, and the wednesday before. Friday was nicest, and I went up to Duno on the road and my new slicks just amaze me with how fast I can go, even on bricks. I hope I can go tomorrow before I have dinner with Max because I need it.

Today I got a washing machine after work and before I went to have dinner at my mother’s place. I texted my mate Easy and he met me at the mediamarkt and we had a few laughs looking over the rows and rows of machines before I settled on one and haggled with the salesman trying to get him to admit that they would actually deliver the machine. Thing is, I live three flights of spiral stairs up, in the penthouse of an old warehouse, and so delivery people tend to be a bit hesitant, although I can’t really say I blame them heh. However I did lug a 42” LCD tv up here all by myself and the bloody thing did weigh 40kg or so. So hopefully they will make it happen on friday because I am sick of relying on charity to wash my clothes heh.

Yesterday my friend Max had his birthday, so I went out to have a few beers with him, and then dinner with him and our friend Babette, which was surprisingly fun and also very yummy at the Arnhems’ Proeflokaal and then to the Moortgat for more beer and some friends who’d come down to help Max get used to being yet another year older, though he doesn’t look it ofc. Sadly I had to leave early, because of today’s work commitment, but I had a lot of fun regardless.

The Great Destroyer // She passes through you like a knife - Low

Posted by TdC at 1:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saudade

Posted by TdC at 12:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

not really boiled, but I’ve made good with the start of my quest to get fit in two months and have been out on the bike. I got scared on a 50kph down slope stretch, was amazed by how much faster slicks are than knobbeh tyres, even if they are 1.6” sized ones, and didn’t die. Slicks are really fast though, holy shit. Though I do need to get my head around keeping the bike at 20kph and not going faster just because I’m so inclined if I’m going to survive the summer’s planned bike rides.

Also I accidentally went through the woods on the way back, which is….somewhat surprising when you’re on 60psi (they’re wide ones) slicks and it is wet and muddy on the trails hehe. Distance was only 15km or so. Proper distances and speeds are in the computer but I forgot to take it off the bike, sorry. I sadly ran out of light as I only got back from work at about half past seven. Some things were not quite right with the bike: there is some strange chain skipping when I coast in the bigger gears, and there’s a tiny bit of noise here and there. Nothing a quick tune-up won’t fix though. Next ride’s planned for friday.

also I wore my stretchy pants o0

In an aside, Deebs of the FreddysHouse forums has been heckling me on image creation. I’m back making content again, which is good, as the past month or so hasn’t been, shall we say, an ideal creative period for me. It’s so much work that he’s asking others to help me out, so there will be some kind of creative (sic) management of content going on if anyone’s up for the job.

no songs today. I’ve got some new cd’s I bought in Edinburgh to listen to. to go with the other things I already purchased earlier: Low, Kings of Convenience, Tenatious D, along with the Interpol and The National disks I bought in NL. So once I get through that I’ll see about listening to words and fitting them into my mind eh.

Posted by TdC at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

just got back from an awesome break away visiting my friend Will in Edinburgh. Went there with my friend Max, and we chilled out at Will’s place for the weekend, relaxing, drinking nice beers and ciders, eating yummy foods (like Will’s jambalaya, which is six kinds of awesome and I’m so totally stealing it) and generally having a break.

On friday I was mostly wrecked, because I hadn’t slept too well and was still a little bit down with a cold, and thus wasn’t all that talkative or active, but we did all kinds of cool things anyway, like going to a Hayseed Dixie concert and I’ll save you some time by providing this link so you can taste the magic. Saturday and Sunday were more pools of chilledness: on Saturday evening we played the “war on terror -the game” game which resulted in much hilarity and ofc we interspersed our sleeptime with plenty of pub visits, walking through Edinburgh, being a tourist, and checking out Scots girls (which while they imo could do with being a bit more tanned, are at least the right size) and then capped it off on Sunday evening with a yummy Kurdish meal and some whisky sampling at Will’s, before bed and flying out on monday.

After landing in Germany, we drove to Cologne to drop off Max’s guitar amp at some music store where he got it from, as he’s managed to trash it about a week after he’d first gotten it, probably due to excessive rocking out (and on the car drive back from Cologne I won a loempia speciaal from Max, because I am totally awesome in all ways and he sucks (at giving directions)).

After arriving back in Arnhem Max and I got some chinese food for dinner and then got all gayed on by his cat, which was completely overjoyed to see a human again (mostly because it had eaten all it’s food I guess hehe) after two days of being left alone, and tried to sexxor both of us up at once while we were trying to eat our dinner heh.

Then I went home, found a spot to park the trusty car, had a coffee and then bed. Then I had a horrible nightmare about my ex girlfriend and got up again, and now I’m about to go to work. Go me.

will you sleep tonight? // will you think of me? - Box Car Racer

Posted by TdC at 5:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

yesterday I put my bed together. today I went to work (and stayed there till it was time to go home). I felt like a person again, for the first time since february 19th. and tomorrow? tomorrow I’m going to Scotland.

Posted by TdC at 11:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Today is the 7th day since I went home feeling rough. I don’t really think I am sick any more, though there is the general feeling of dullness and apathy. I don’t really feel like doing anything, and if I do get out and do something I come home feeling wrecked and have to sleep. Interacting with other people seems to be quite a trial for me atm, or at least seems to take a lot of energy.

Currently reading Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity, thoughtfully given to me as an additional birthday pressie by my mate Max. Swapping between laughing out loud and wanting to cry. Rob the protagonist is a bit of a miserable cunt, but who can blame him. He is everybody, I guess, and his wishes and desires are those of everyone, yet while I currently can completely understand him feeling miserable, smoking re-rolled cigarettes and drinking banana liquor while utterly missing his ex girlfriend all night long before going outside to face another day of mediocre miserableness, once I get my head straight again I’ll probably think him a bit of a wuss (note: I haven’t finished the book yet).

anyway, right now I want to go outside. maybe I should really do it.

Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music? - Rob, High Fidelity

Posted by TdC at 4:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

completely wrecked after yesterday’s birthday revelry. mentally mostly though, as I’d metabolised most of the, uh, fluid intake by the time I got up at three o’clock or so heh. the party itself was a bit of a success, lot of fun had with the group of friends that us birthday boys had pulled together.

only downside, as expected, was due to me only inviting some of my own friends a few days before the event due to understandably not being in much of a party mood and not everyone could make it, and ofc me having to tell the same story to different people over and over again till my friend Paul rescued me by declaiming that every time conversations seemed to get depressing we had to instantly start talking about hot polish whores, leading to hilarious conversations about how depressed he was that his polish whore girfriend had stopped doing her pole-dancing routine now that she was 8 months pregnant with his child. amazing.

after the Moortgat closed and everyone left I took Martijn and Andre to my place to show them the new flat and we had a few drinks and some snacks and chatted about stuff mostly related to my former relationship but also about our friends and our lives, which was a needed break really. I’m always amazed how much Andre and I think alike regarding certain subjects. After they left I tried to not eat all my nougat and went to bed.

Getting up at about three I was miserable and unconnected right from the word go. I made some scones for breakfast and had some juice, and my cold was back with a vengeance after me having blocked it out for most of the day before so I took some pills and tried to ignore it while I ate my scones. Feeling completely trashed and unable to motivate myself to actually do anything, I went back to bed despite knowing I was invited to go to Soul Train this evening. Sleep released me from this horrible unconnectedness feeling and when I woke again around midnight I was startled to hear some people singing “happy birthday” in the house across the street from me. Somewhat ironic, considering that today is my ex’s birthday, and I’m missing her somewhat more than usual.

So go away, go away
And leave me on my own - Eisley

Posted by TdC at 3:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

the one s I consider best are gone.
lill bit drunk I susspect.

Strung out until ripped apart
Who dares, dares to condemn
All for nothing - Portishead

I dare. sosad..

Posted by TdC at 5:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Getting groceries yesterday made me remember something that happened a week or two ago when I was in my car coming back from Rotterdam. First what happened in the supermarket: I knew what I was to get, and even though my brain doesn’t work very well when I have a cold I was cruising along on auto-pilot getting stuff to eat. Suddenly I woke up, and I was standing in an aisle looking at the coffee milk, which I don’t need, and wondering what I was supposed to be doing.

I felt I had to think really hard to get back in the groove again, almost as if I was high or something. I felt pretty disassociated and had to command myself to do things: go to shelf, get deodorant, put in basket and it was unpleasant to seemingly see myself from a third person perspective. Now this was the second time in the past few weeks that I had this, as I said, the first time recently was in my car driving back to my new home a night. Now driving can be mesmerizing enough to me really, especially if I do it alone for longer periods of time it becomes more and more like I’m playing a computer game and things gradually become less and less real.

What happened wasn’t like that feeling at all: I suddenly realised that I didn’t know why I was putting in the effort to make things work any more. My contact lenses seemed to stop working, and everything in front of me merged into a blur of red glows and yellow flashing lights, and I was only vaguely aware of what I was doing, ie driving a car down the A15 motorway at 120+ kph. There seemed to be not much point in actually driving the car and I felt it start to slide towards the central reservation. The disassociation feeling came to the front and I felt I should start driving again but I couldn’t really convince myself to do so (typing this now makes me wonder just how crazy I can be, by the way, I almost feel 18 again heh). Everything snapped back into focus again when I realized I could make my life work just for me. Me me me. I was strong before, I can do it again.

You wanted me to write you letters, but I’d rather lose your address - Death Cab for Cutie

Posted by TdC at 11:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Lots of things happening for the first time…in a long time. First time cooking in the new place, first groceries time ,which was difficult, because I had to think about what I had to get for *just me*. Hard stuff. First time sick, as far as having a cold is being sick, by myself. Kept expecting to hear a voice complaining that I should do something, like have a shower and go outside, but nobody spoke to me of course. Other than my work, who called several times to ask my help, as the project’s gone all pear shaped again, and my mate Max, who instructed me to drink all my sherry to combat my cold. Well, he didn’t specifically say all of it, but it’s gone now anyway.
Oh, and my aunt called, who seems to be very concerned about me even though I keep assuring her that I am and will be ok. Lovely woman.

Other than that, I stayed indoors until I really had to go to the shops to get some paracetamol, meaning that I ate dinner at 22:00 or so, and then drank my pedro ximenes and played Burnout Paradise until, well, just now really. Time to go to sleep. I’ve been looking at and sorting through digital photographs of my life with my ex girlfriend during today, which in retrospect was a bad idea I suppose, as I feel especially miserable now.

Your eyes will not close // Your tongue barely speaks // But I can still feel you - DJ Shadow

Posted by TdC at 4:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My project that I’ve been slaving over of the past couple of weeks finally (and surprisingly heh) went smoothly yesterday, much to my delight. However the stress suddenly crashing off me was baaad: within the space of half an hour or so my entire body started to ache, and the snot started running at high speed. Yup, a cold within the space of 45 mins or so! I hate colds so bad, but recently, say in the last couple of times I had a cold I noticed that while my entire body hurts, my head remains more or less clear. Mentally that is. In the past I would feel ill in my head, now I just feel it in my body. Improvement if you ask me.

It’s like learning a new language
Helps me catch up on my mime
If you don’t bring up those lonely parts
This could be a good time - Interpol

Why do you care no one plays fair - Jamie T

Posted by TdC at 1:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Had to stop writing for a while yesterday, and once I felt better it was so late that I had to go to bed, because I had to be up at 6 today (failed miserably though, so was about 30 minutes late for work heh). Still doing the disaster recovery project, though things seem to be picking up, and where things were doing less than optimal last week I’m feeling quite breezy this week, but let’s not get our hopes up too soon hehe.

Anyway, I went home sunday morning feeling rather low but once I was out of bed again I had a pretty good day because I’d agreed to go with my mother to shop for a couch at a couple of furniture shops here and there across the country. Now I hate furniture shopping with a passion, and saying that reminds me of a week or two ago when I had to briefly go to the Ikea here to pick up a desk for my new house. There are few things more awful than having to run through an Ikea to pick up one thing, by yourself, when you’re miserable. Especially when your last memory of Ikea related shopping is walking through the store with your girlfriend making fun of all the ugly dutch farmers and germans while trying to fart on myriad children there and buying fun things for your house. Not good, anyway back to sunday. Walking about furniture shop after furniture shop with my lovely mother, who didn’t complain once even though I was pretty grumpy, I finally settled on a very nice couch (forgot to take pictures though, sorry) and bought it then and there. 8 weeks delivery time though :-/ So that’s how I got the couch, as I mentioned yesterday heh.

So, after I got home again, I picked my mate Max up and we got some chinese food and ate it at my place, and then had a few coffees and then I started to crash so he left and I went to bed, cos I’d agreed to go to work on monday, my day off to work half a day for the project. Monday then, I did my thing, and we managed to get running -nearly- full availability clearly being too much to ask at that time heh, but I didn’t care much as I left work at 12:15 and went down to Max’s work and bought a big fuck-off 42” LCD tv. God, this relationship getting flushed down the toilet has left me a consumer whore, I kid you not! Only problem was getting it home and better still up the stairs. The place loaned me a little trolly, and it took me 15 minutes to walk home and another 15 minutes to get the huge box up my stairs! Ok, I was deathly scared that I was going to drop the bloody thing or fall or do something else that would be stupid and more importantly, painful, but I made it and it’s now all set up and showing me the stupid poop that is Dutch television. Note to self: need to rent some decent movies!

After that I rushed off to my friend Stella’s house because I had promised to help her get her sick kittens and cat to her vet. Traffic was pretty intense, but I wasn’t late and we got to the vet safely. Bah, kittens and kids aren’t supposed to get sick in the world where I am king, but these poor little guys certainly looked very sorry for themselves and they were burning up with fever 40.4C for one of them, which is amazing considering how big they are! Anyway the kittens looked so sad and sick that I was biting back floods of tears at the thought of them dying, but the vet was optimistic as he puttered about counting pills and shots and weighing the cats and all kinds of scary vet stuffs with pointy things being shoved into various openings ans suchlike. Anyway the man says the kittens have some kind of virus or bacterial infection but the shots and pills will save them and they should be ok. Which is good for Stella, who was extremely worried and had been describing all the horrible things that baby cats can get (and die from) since she got into my car much to my dismay o_0

Which brings me to today. The project’s gone well for a change, so I am pleased, but at the same time I’ve finally broken down with a massive cold, so I’m going home via the supermarket to get some paracetamol and ibuprofen (and oranges, and tissues, and food). I was actually wondering why I hadn’t gotten sick yet, considering the early nights and stress free living I’ve been having for the last month. Still, got to keep going, because I am celebrating my birthday with Easy and Jeff this weekend and I most sincerely intend to be fit, drunk and as happy as I can be for the big 33.

Posted by TdC at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Pretty decent weekend tbh. Worked too long, then went to my mother’s place on friday because she wanted to see me, and feed me, and I felt in need of some mothering and, well, I had three weeks worth of dirty laundry in the back of my car that needed sorting and my mother can just make that disappear like it was never even there. Too bad that skill doesn’t translate well to other areas though.

I haven’t got myself a washing machine yet, because I’m moving house like a man. No, it’s true, really: the very first thing I took out of my ex’s house was my computer, the second thing was my stereo. The first thing I arranged was internet, the first major thing I bought was a decent coffeemachine, the second thing was a capitalist lap-dog yuppy FatBoy beanbag. In cobalt blue donchaknow, regular blue is for lames. The third major thing was a couch, but that won’t be here for 8 weeks -which is good, because I don’t have any money left that I feel like spending-, and the fourth major thing was a television. So, I have a stream of pornography laced with excellent music (mostly thanks to the very clued in tastes of my friends) flowing into my brain and where the one tends to desensitize me utterly to all things remotely human, the other stimulates my brain into overdrive, and yes ladies, I’m talking about the music. Besides this, my beautiful beautiful friends are conspiring to take care of me in all ways it seems, and that is very pleasant because they save me from the sadness that always seems to be lurking just around the corner.

Friday night my friend Easy came by, and I gave him his birthday present and we finished my bottle of Highland Park 16, and half a bottle of Kahlua. No vodka so just pure Kahlua, but I’m not classy enough for a black russian atm anyway. Later around 2:30 his girlfriend came by but she didn’t like his present and moaned about it as younger girls tend to do so I couldn’t resist making fun of her, and even more so when she started making fun of my croc sandals, which are decidedly uncool but still, they’re dear to me for more or less no reason other than them coming from Australia and being handy when I am mopping my floor (which I’ve actually done twice btw) and so ner ner ner to you.

Saturday I slept in because I really didn’t want to get up and face the day and also because I had earned a lie in after the tiring, disappointing and energy-sappingly sad working week, and after scraping myself out of bed and infused myself with coffee, and then set to work building the thing that would eventually hold my stereo and tv. Two and a half hours later it was done, coinciding nicely with my friend Max calling to tell me we were going to Utrecht earlier than planned so there would be no grocery time for me this weekend. I barely managed to shower before having to run to the station to meet up with him and this guy, a very cool fellow indeed. At least, I think so, and he laughed at some of my jokes so there :p Also, there’s a picture on his flickr stream that he’s apparently dedicated to me (thanks Dennis heh ;-)), but more about that in a second ;-)

So we’re off in Utrecht sitting about in Stairway having a few drinks and a meal before going off to EKKO to see Operator Please, opened by The Cuties. Well. Well. Um. The Cuties, while not particularly in my ball-park musically, aren’t bad, musically. In fact to my unschooled ears the band sounded pretty tight and songs about ugly boys and cake certainly amuse me. Even when I’m not in the mood for laughs. Also, and perhaps best. Their drummer. Wow, ok, that was fun. I like girls for various reasons, and the reason I like this drummer is twofold: one: she looks a little bit like Velma, from the Scooby-Doo cartoons, who is a total hottie. If you’re a nerd. Like me. Instant jailtime though, when you’re old like me :-) The cartoon by the way, the old one, not that idiot movie. Hottie, oh yes and two: her this-is-my-drummer-face face while doing her thing. Beautiful. You had to be there I guess :-)

Now Operator Please was very different. Live they are best. The studio stuff they have on their website is far less energy and presence. Live at EKKO they certainly rocked, blasting off the stage like the bastard child of the B52’s and the Arctic Monkeys. Very impressed I was. I haven’t been able to find any decent live stuff video wise though, that reflects the smashing performance they did though this comes close(r)but certainly not the same quality they had at EKKO.

After the concert the three of us went back to Arnhem and Max and I went to the Moortgat after Dennis left to work his photography magic and it being late and after-concert time it seems I actually managed to walk past my ex without realizing it, though I only noticed when she tried to sneak by me as I was pretending to listen to the barman lecture about how horrible women are, after I shocked him into jaw-dropped silence by mentioning casually that I’d heard some comments he’d made from my ex. He couldn’t believe that we’d broken up, and told me so as he got beer for Max and me, but there are a lot of people in the I can’t believe it club right now and I’m not particularly interested in what they have to say to me. And unlike the barman I don’t particularly feel that making disparaging comments about women in general has any therapeutic value at all. Though he’s been about for a lot longer than me, so you never know. The guy may be right. Anyway imo women aren’t horrible: people are. Sometimes. Luckily not all the time though, or I’d be long gone from this earth. My ex isn’t horrible, she just did something very stupid while under a lot of pressure. Ofc there are some other things that I hold against her, but that’s for me to think about for a little bit more. And on that note I resume: I turned to her as she tried to slip by behind me because I recognised her jacket out of the corner of my eye. Ofc I never expected her to be in the jacket but there you go. I turned back to the bar, because to be honest, there’s nobody I’d like to talk to less right now.

another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults -The National

in the end all you can hope for, is the love you felt to equal the pain you’ve gone through -Editors

Posted by TdC at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I’ve been working very very hard this week, and it’s now thursday evening and I’ve been at it for 13 hours when suddenly I have become sad. Wondering why that was, I realize that I am missing my friend. My relationship is gone, I accept that, and it’s ok, that I can deal with.

What pains me right now, with the gathering dark outside, and some sad romantic song on the radio, tired after working some 55 hours in 4 days, is that right about now, I’d get out my mobile phone, and I would call my friend, and she would speak to me and give me strength, and I would know what I am doing all this stuff for again, and I would know that she was somewhere having fun, or coming home from work, or at home doing whatever, but she was there, and I would take strength and love from her and be back on control of myself again.

My friend is gone though, through her own actions she is no longer my friend, and I hurt for that somewhere behind my eyes, in my throat and in my chest, and I miss the talking, because I know that there are things that I will now never hear, and there are things that I will never say again, to anyone, ever, because those things are special and only my lost friend would understand.

Posted by TdC at 8:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

new cd

Turn the light out say goodnight
no thinking for a little while

Posted by TdC at 6:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

She made me cry today. Actually, that’s not true: *I* made me cry; she just lead into it,
The worst thing about being in a situation like the one I am in right now is that something really nasty begins to happen in your brain: you start to see the worst possible in everything that occurs between you and the other person involved. So, regardless of having every right to distrust the other, no matter what you feel whatever they say automatically becomes the worst, most horrible thing they could possibly mean or do. And you’re doing it to yourself.

Whatever shitty thing the other person did, *you* are shittier. Not by deed, oh no, but because your brain can come up with things that are worse, and applies that to whatever the other person did. Bingo, instant hurt magnification. You thought you were in pain? Ha, think again! You thought that it really couldn’t get any worse? No worries mate, your own imagination is going to torture you until you just want to lie on the ground and die. The other person involved could tell me they had rice and beans for dinner in a certain way, and have the audacity to smile, or use an exclaimation mark or say anything that doesn’t fit the world of sadness, pain and rage I live in right now and my brain is going to latch on and replay every fucking piece of betrayal and lies through the microscope of my own imagination back to me until I think I’m going to go insane. So I cried. And then the best part: “oh sorry, that sounds really bad given our situation, I didn’t mean it that way!” and the horrible thing in my head says “see, you know it’s all lies, why should you believe anything she says? I know! let’s watch the movie of sadnessangerpainbetrayal again! THis time in sssssslllllllooooooowwwwwwwww mmmmmmmoooooootttttttttiiiiiiiiooooooonnnnnnn so you can savour every moment of it!” And you know what the worst thing is? The evil monster may be right: the movie in my head might be true, because it was true before and there is not a thing she can do to deny it and I’m so sad that I can’t feel my heart any more.

Something strange happened today: I was in my house. Well, I don’t live there any more but it’s still my/our house. THere was nobody there but me, and I walked around looking at things and I was in the bedroom and I looked at the bed, and I thought to myself: I want to lie down in this bed and go to sleep. It felt nice to see my bed, which isn’t really mine, but about as much mine as the house is. I looked at it, and then the strange thing happened: I thought that I might lie in the bed and go to sleep, and then she would come home and find me. And then she would lie in the bed as well and go to sleep like me and then we would sleep for a while and then we would wake up and it would be last year and we would be in Australia on the beach by Turquoise Bay AND WE WOULD BE HAPPY AND NONE OF THIS FUCKING HORRIBLE DEGRADING SHIT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED THAT WRECKED MY LIFE and that thought was so beautiful that I almost didn’t feel bad any more and now I’ve made myself cry again.

Posted by TdC at 12:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

that I only post on my blog when I am miserable. and you know what? that somebody was right. I can feel words bubbling in my hands trying to get out. Poor me. If my life get to sucking any more than it currently does I’m going to become a writer.

in an aside, I love my friends. Every one of my friends is an angel. There aren’t many of you, and I’ve never even met some of you, but you’re angels, all of you.

Posted by TdC at 11:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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